Hockey Night In Who-Gives-A-Fuck

Last night, Jersey hosted Tampa Bay and drew a pathetic 13,000 fans to the Prudential Center a new, state-of-the-art rink. (OMG!!! R. Kelly is playing there on November 22nd and we’re taking our BFFs!!!) It was 4,000 fewer fans than the crowd they drew five days ago. And further south, to where no [...]

Koivu to French politicians: “Regardez my killer Francais, bitches”

French Canadian politicians attempted to wade into the NHL again, accusing Montreal captain Saku Koivu of not speaking French and thereby subjecting Quebec to the horrors (horrors!) of English. Right. If Koivu wants to play in Montreal, this Finnish guy who already speaks three languages, he should have to learn French with an Eastern [...]

Tucker’s torn ACL has critics sweating.

Could this be the end of an era? All the soft-seated fags who love to hate Toronto Maple Leaf Darcy Tucker should have reason to rejoice now that he’s out indefinitely with a torn ACL. Instead, many are worried that tearing his Asshole Crucial Ligament—the very thing holding his glorious obnoxiousness together—may cause Tucker to [...]

Oilers hand win to Red Wings with 24 seconds left

Terrible change, terrible defence, terrible timing.  Does the depths of the Oiler’s current patch of loserdom have any bounds? Well, the bottom of the NW division at the very least. Maybe Burke was right. Maybe Lowe will be fighting for his job.

NHLPA appoints Lindros and his 4,928 head injuries to lead them

The NHLPA did something important, really, really fucking important, and they want us to know about it, people: They chose a guy with a history of severe head injuries to change their entire constitution. Which he did. Specifically, bravely changing one board of directors…with another! Way to go, Captain Alzheimer’s!

Kiprusoff signs six-year deal to stay…here?

Kiprusoff,  pictured here with a one-way ticket to flavour country, in the middle of what looks to be either negotiation or a transaction,  just signed the longest contract in Flames history.

Jagr loses front teeth in Rangers win, Lundqvist’s penis is relieved

“Listen…I’ve been thinking. I’m just not…ummm… ready. Like you know how you come home and I always say I’m tired? And you want me to stay up because Wednesday is Gray’s Anatomy night? I just need you to understand that I want to take it slow.”
(Rangers beat Lightning, Jagr sans teeth.)

John Ferguson Suicide Watch: day 1

It’s only hours after the Leafs bent over and lubed for the Capitals in their own building. Ovechkin sank two, and five guys who hadn’t scored all year potted their first of the season. Half the building had left by the third and the rest were booing. Toronto sports writers, who are enjoying [...]

Video: Napping with the Flyers

The video from two nights ago’s fiasco.

Why the Canucks will never win the cup.

No, it’s not because of this pair of typical “fans”, but more about the Cheshire-faced person of indeterminate sex stationed between them, who has clearly been sucking on helium—like the Vancouver Canucks. During last night’s tilt against the Detroit Red Wings, the Canucks skated around smugly like they had the game in the bag after [...]