Presenting…the NHL’s first DUI all-star team!

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On Tuesday, Mark Bell returns to the Leafs lineup after serving a 15-game suspension for a hit-and-run DUI. And with his return, the NHL officially unveiled the first-ever unofficial DUI All-Star team!

Goal: Ed Belfour

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OK, he wasn’t driving. But the NHL selection committee was torn, especially after this actual police mug shot. But this was a tour de force performance for Belfour: Whoring, assaulting a hotel worker, resisting arrest (two kicks to officers’ chests), vomiting on himself in the squad car, bribing police $100,000 to keep him out of jail..then upping it to $1 billion, and all in one night. The committee had no choice. Congratulations!

Defence: Ken Daneyko

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Arrested in 2006 for “failure to maintain lane,” Daneyko who retired in 2003 spent the ’97 season in rehab. “Alcohol is my problem,” Daneyko said after returning to the team. “I was a binge drinker.” Well, he used the verb’s correct tense in his first statement. Thus, Daneyko’s English plus/minus remains a respectable zero.

Defence: Jay Bouwmeester

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Wait. Bouwmeester pleaded not guilty. Why? Because he was arrested at 4 a.m. in Edmonton near bar-studded Whyte Avenue by an off-duty officer who “observed his vehicle swerving.” That’s why. Atta boy, Jay! You fight that shit!

Center: Mark Bell

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An NHLer busted for drinking and driving = no big deal. But why was Mark “Taco” Bell and his $2.5 million salary driving a 2003 Toyota sedan? The answer is that he must have been drunk when he went to the dealership. The selection committee salutes him for this perseverance.

Left Wing: Peter Worrell

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The former Florida Panther was arrested for DUI, leaving the scene of an accident, failure to use due care, expired plates, and no proof of insurance. Though he tried to impersonate his Caucasian teammate, he was not charged for failure to appear white. Phew.

Right Wing: Dany Heatley

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Officially, he wasn’t drinking. So says the police report. Nevertheless, bisecting a Ferrari into separate pieces puts him squarely above honorable mention territory.

13 Responses

  1. Coach: Craig MacTavish, once spent a year in prison on vehicular manslaughter charges while he was with the Bruins.

  2. @David: didn’t know that. He should be the captain. Maybe we start a second DUI team…

  3. Shouldn’t Steve Chiasson get some type of DUI Hall of Fame nod?

  4. I was about to close up shop today and head to the bar for a beer on a rather ho-hum note, but this really perked up my day!

  5. How is Bob Probert not included? Alcoholics Anonymous kicked him out for not being anonymous enough….

  6. @FaCubeitches: Probert was acquitted. So that means it never, ever happened. Probert, however, is a special case. He’s chairing the selection committee.

  7. Former Maple Leaf captain Rob Ramage just got sentenced for a DUI incident 2 or 3 years back that killed the passenger in his car.

  8. Actually, it was in 2003 and it killed former NHLer Keith Magnusson:

    http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/story/2007/10/10/ramage-trial-verdict.html?ref=rss

  9. @spalmerston: Yes. The Ramage case has been big news. But all the players on this team are active except Daneyko, who retired just a few years back. If we’re going DUIs of all-time, Tim Horton, MacTavish, Ramage, and Chiasson make these guys look like amateurs.

  10. You do realize that this makes the Florida Panthers the drunkard’s destination of the NHL. We even had Belfour at the time of his latest binge.

    Word.

  11. […] Miss a day, miss an NHLer getting busted for boozing and driving. Today it was revealed that former NHL great John LeClair has been arrested for drunk driving. He pleaded no contest to reduced charges of careless and negligent driving. (Last year the Penguins put him on waivers and nobody wanted him.) It was LeClair’s second DUI charge. His astonishing love affair with getting loaded aside, LeClair is best known for playing alongside Eric Lindros and Mikael Renberg on the “Legion of Doom” line. Now he just plays at The Legion.…and the budding second line on the NHL’s DUI all-star team. […]

  12. […] the blogger behind Way Offside, published an NHL DUI all-star team last fall prior to Legwand’s arrest. In all seriousness, it’s a shame to see Legwand […]

  13. […] Alcoholism is a human problem, not a hockey problem, but anytime the two come together it’s hard to ignore the NHL’s pathetic history of turning a blind eye to its players’ problems. The alcohol-related death of Derek Boogaard last year only awakened the stereotype. So does this latest incident with Sheahan, who’s only played one NHL game but is still under contract to an NHL team. Heck, there’s a long enough list of hockey players to comprise an all-DUI team. […]

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