Who the Fuck is John Mitchell?

Midway through the third period, it seemed the New York Rangers were on their way to another shutout victory against the Toronto Maple Leafs. But then John Mitchell, the guy who spent years in the flaming hell of the minors, was beamed down from heaven. The rookie scored his first two NHL goals during a [...]

Go easy on the two pussies who are my children: Doctor

Apparently, this is a problem. According to Dr. Jim King, an Ottawa-based pediatrician, bodychecking is detrimental to children. He’s the father of two sons who play hockey and the co-author of a study on minor hockey bodychecking.
According to his elaborate study, 3 out of 4 physicians insist on stating the obvious. [...]

Who sucks more than her?

The Oilers. Yesterday at an Edmonton-area autograph signing, Sam Gagner and Andrew Cogliano, who earn a combined $1.6 million, were charging $25 for their stupid fucking signatures. When pressed about it, a spokesman for the organizer said it was for the players “expenses.”
What are these expenses, tampons? When pressed about this by CTV, Cogliano looked [...]

I AM SIDNEY CROSBY… AND YOU’RE NOT

Still king of the hockey world until Ovechkin’s next big night, Sidney Crosby added another milestone in Toronto on Saturday: his 100th career NHL goal and 200th assist to surpass 300 points while leading the Pittsburgh Penguins to a familiar 4-1 scenario over the Toronto Maple Leafs. Playing on a line with “prospect” Evgeni Malkin, [...]

Fantasy 4, Reality 0

True fantasy #1: Winging the wong numbers. It started with a season-opener bed shitting to the Leafs. And last night, when the Red Wings immortalized Alex Delvecchio with a bronze statue and called him up to the broadcast booth to distract them from the usual partisan tripe, the lowly Canucks knocked them off in OT. [...]

Instructions: 1) Push Play. 2) Examine pants for traces of shit

Absolutely sick. Martin Havlat may skate-kick others like a bitch and appear as fragile as a French supermodel with osteoperosis, but fuck, can the guy get it done.
And even though it was the start of a rout of the Coyotes, the Hawks fired Savard today, opting to replace him with coach [...]

Welcome Back, Hitler

I remember a few years back there was some story about Bertuzzi doing something to some guy named Moore. You probably missed it. (The guy was slightly hurt and nobody noticed. Everything’s fine.) Anyway, according to a fucking idiot on my hockey team, a guy who allegedly “knows people in Colorado,” Moore is milking his [...]

Jesus, we need us some writers

Meanwhile, let’s talk about US for a minute. As in WayOffside. We need us some writers. Who’s in? Send us an e-mail with a blurb about hockey and if it’s good, you’re in. There’s room for two or three. Try us at wayoffside@gmail.com.
Meanwhile, let’s catch up: Sweden Detroit won the Cup. Fanfuckingtastic, and man, it [...]

Dallas: Once the Toast of Texas, Soon to be Texas Toast

Pittsburgh vs. Philadelphia. The Battle of Pennsylvania. Blue Collar Mining Town vs. Financial, Political and Intellectual Center. Two high-flying squads that hate each other’s guts for the shallowest of reasons. A classic match-up for a Stanley Cup semi-final. But the Dallas Stars vs. Detroit Red Wings? It’s almost sad. The Wings are dissecting the Stars [...]

Avery: Still Not Dead…but hurt

And by “spleen” do they mean “vagina?”