Meanwhile, let’s talk about US for a minute. As in WayOffside. We need us some writers. Who’s in? Send us an e-mail with a blurb about hockey and if it’s good, you’re in. There’s room for two or three. Try us at wayoffside@gmail.com.

Meanwhile, let’s catch up: Sweden Detroit won the Cup. Fanfuckingtastic, and man, it was a shocker. As in, three in the front and one in the back. (Who wants to watch a foregone conclusion? Who wants to watch Europeans, who could give a shit about the most coveted trophy in sports, hoist the mug and parade about with awkward and/or fake excitement? Well, at least Dan Cleary got to parade about. That guy wanted it.)

Also, free agency is coming July 1. Tradesville and rumors flaring up all over the place. So far, the Preds decided Ellis was the future (he was) and Mason a sieve (he was), the Leafs traded for a tough guy who’s older than me, Sundin’s talking to Montreal, Sutter’s “pumped” about drafting 17th overall, Malkin’s reportedly talking to a Russian club for insane money, and Vancouver may or may not be shopping the Sedin sisters. Oh, and some black guy is running for president.

Pittsburgh vs. Philadelphia. The Battle of Pennsylvania. Blue Collar Mining Town vs. Financial, Political and Intellectual Center. Two high-flying squads that hate each other’s guts for the shallowest of reasons. A classic match-up for a Stanley Cup semi-final. But the Dallas Stars vs. Detroit Red Wings? It’s almost sad. The Wings are dissecting the Stars with characteristic laissez faire. And Dallas? They’ve gone as soft as a post-coital weenie. Modano where are ye? They may win one at home. Maybe. But it won’t matter. Even Don Cherry has written them off. Like we said: toast.

And by “spleen” do they mean “vagina?”

Nonis was fired. And predictably, the Brian Burke rumors are flying. Not the ones about him and Todd Bertuzzi on a Sunday in May, top down on the LeBaron, KFC take-out bags balled up and discarded in the back seat and miles and miles of nothing but….togetherness. No. The other ones.

Maybe. Just fucking maybe. It’s right up there with Belak’s “we’ve all been caught with our pants down.”

IS THAT DANIEL ALFREDSSON IN THERE?

What to do when your season is over and you need a reason to play… for the Edmonton Oilers that means sharing their misery with a division rival! A game after having their playoff hopes dashed, the injury-addled Oilers eliminated the increasingly pathetic Vancouver Canucks from postseason play with a 2-1 win Thursday night. To add insult to injury, the Oilers hadn’t beaten the Canucks in regulation in almost 16 months. Sweet!

“Fucking with Vancouver’s head is a great way to finish the season,” said goalie Dweezil Rolfingson.

And fuck with the Canucks those Oilies did. Needing a win to control their playoff fate after Minnesota clinched the Northwest Division title by beating Calgary earlier in the evening, Vancouver didn’t manage a goal until a power play with 6:57 left in the third (despite a thousand earlier power plays). Too little, too late as the Canucks lost for the sixth time in seven games and bowed out of the playoffs for the second time in three years.

“We’ve got no one to blame but ourselves… and possibly our fucking Swedishness… plus Roberto Luonginio and his new baby,” captain Markus Naslundersson said, drying his eyes. “In a must-win game we didn’t find a way to do it. If you don’t win these games you don’t deserve to be there. Actually, we don’t really deserve to be in the NHL—but that’s another story. Now all I have to look forward to is Daniel Alfredsson self-destructing again in Ottawa. Poo.”

In the end, the noble Oilers went down fighting, while Vancouver went down doing what they do best… underachieving and snivelling like little girls. Or Swedes.

Dear Edmonton:

Love,

Calgary

Re: the allegation that Sean Avery’s name was found in a prostie’s black book:

“We’ve been laughing hysterically about it all morning,” Avery said.

Um, Sean? These people are laughing at your alleged involvement with women.