Hockey Night In Who-Gives-A-Fuck

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Last night, Jersey hosted Tampa Bay and drew a pathetic 13,000 fans to the Prudential Center a new, state-of-the-art rink. (OMG!!! R. Kelly is playing there on November 22nd and we’re taking our BFFs!!!) It was 4,000 fewer fans than the crowd they drew five days ago. And further south, to where no hockey should ever be played for any reason other than by accident, the Florida Panthers hosted the ‘Canes. Attendance? Around 10,000. And America’s fourth-fattest city hosted the retardedly skilled rookies of Chicago and drew a paltry 14,000.

The average rink holds around 20,000 people. Calgary, Vancouver, and Toronto have consecutive sell-outs in triple digit numbers. Just sayin’.

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Koivu to French politicians: “Regardez my killer Francais, bitches”

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French Canadian politicians attempted to wade into the NHL again, accusing Montreal captain Saku Koivu of not speaking French and thereby subjecting Quebec to the horrors (horrors!) of English. Right. If Koivu wants to play in Montreal, this Finnish guy who already speaks three languages, he should have to learn French with an Eastern townships accent, play the spoons, suck syrup from trees, and hate Jews like the rest of Quebec. Koivu did his part, however, putting together some French for a few reporters but sounding a little like Ed Braodbent. Koivu, who beat cancer and savage eye injuries, is clearly unafraid of conjugating a few verbs.

That the French politicians targeted the guy who won the Clancy award for humanitarianism is a mystery. There’s a whole lot worse going on the world: Darfur, Iraq, Al Qaeda, and, lately, the Philadelphia Flyers.

You’d think the Quebec politicians should have learned their lessons by now. On a slow news day in December 2005, Denis Coderre, a Quebec-based member of parliament (Americans: this is congress), first waded into NHL politics when he wanted Shane Doan barred from Canada’s Olympic squad after Doan allegedly yelled a racial epithet at a French-Canadian ref. Doan, a tremendously respected player and a religious Christian who claimed he hadn’t used the word “fuck” in years, denied it and launched a $210,000 defamation suit. He promised to donate all of it to charity if he won.

As for Koivu’s situation, his francophone coach, Guy Carboneau had this to say: “As long as [he] speaks English and understands me, that’s all I’m asking.”

Tucker’s torn ACL has critics sweating.

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Could this be the end of an era? All the soft-seated fags who love to hate Toronto Maple Leaf Darcy Tucker should have reason to rejoice now that he’s out indefinitely with a torn ACL. Instead, many are worried that tearing his Asshole Crucial Ligament—the very thing holding his glorious obnoxiousness together—may cause Tucker to weaken like Samson after a haircut and come back nicer than normal, leaving them nothing to complain about except his talent and hard-nosed style. I guess we’re only a couple of MRIs and “we’re gonna try it out in a brace” statements away from finding out for sure…

Oilers hand win to Red Wings with 24 seconds left

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Terrible change, terrible defence, terrible timing.  Does the depths of the Oiler’s current patch of loserdom have any bounds? Well, the bottom of the NW division at the very least. Maybe Burke was right. Maybe Lowe will be fighting for his job.

NHLPA appoints Lindros and his 4,928 head injuries to lead them

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The NHLPA did something important, really, really fucking important, and they want us to know about it, people: They chose a guy with a history of severe head injuries to change their entire constitution. Which he did. Specifically, bravely changing one board of directors…with another! Way to go, Captain Alzheimer’s!

Kiprusoff signs six-year deal to stay…here?

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Kiprusoff,  pictured here with a one-way ticket to flavour country, in the middle of what looks to be either negotiation or a transaction,  just signed the longest contract in Flames history.

Jagr loses front teeth in Rangers win, Lundqvist’s penis is relieved

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“Listen…I’ve been thinking. I’m just not…ummm… ready. Like you know how you come home and I always say I’m tired? And you want me to stay up because Wednesday is Gray’s Anatomy night? I just need you to understand that I want to take it slow.”

(Rangers beat Lightning, Jagr sans teeth.)