On Tuesday, Mark Bell returns to the Leafs lineup after serving a 15-game suspension for a hit-and-run DUI. And with his return, the NHL officially unveiled the first-ever unofficial DUI All-Star team!
Goal: Ed Belfour
OK, he wasn’t driving. But the NHL selection committee was torn, especially after this actual police mug shot. But this was a tour de force performance for Belfour: Whoring, assaulting a hotel worker, resisting arrest (two kicks to officers’ chests), vomiting on himself in the squad car, bribing police $100,000 to keep him out of jail..then upping it to $1 billion, and all in one night. The committee had no choice. Congratulations!
Defence: Ken Daneyko
Arrested in 2006 for “failure to maintain lane,” Daneyko who retired in 2003 spent the ’97 season in rehab. “Alcohol is my problem,” Daneyko said after returning to the team. “I was a binge drinker.” Well, he used the verb’s correct tense in his first statement. Thus, Daneyko’s English plus/minus remains a respectable zero.
Defence: Jay Bouwmeester
Wait. Bouwmeester pleaded not guilty. Why? Because he was arrested at 4 a.m. in Edmonton near bar-studded Whyte Avenue by an off-duty officer who “observed his vehicle swerving.” That’s why. Atta boy, Jay! You fight that shit!
Center: Mark Bell
An NHLer busted for drinking and driving = no big deal. But why was Mark “Taco” Bell and his $2.5 million salary driving a 2003 Toyota sedan? The answer is that he must have been drunk when he went to the dealership. The selection committee salutes him for this perseverance.
Left Wing: Peter Worrell
The former Florida Panther was arrested for DUI, leaving the scene of an accident, failure to use due care, expired plates, and no proof of insurance. Though he tried to impersonate his Caucasian teammate, he was not charged for failure to appear white. Phew.
Right Wing: Dany Heatley
Officially, he wasn’t drinking. So says the police report. Nevertheless, bisecting a Ferrari into separate pieces puts him squarely above honorable mention territory.
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