To Kurt Sauer and His Family: He doesn’t suck, and I’m sorry

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DEAR KURT, I’M SORRY.

My dearest Kurt,

On Saturday night, me and six friends went to the Avalanche game just to watch you!!! You’re the awesomest!!! We also went because Vancouver’s defence corps have been hit with every ailment except for Ebola. So we promptly sneaked down to the good seats. Anyway, as I prepared to laugh at Van’s expense, and study your earth-shaking hockey genius, you made an “unforced turnover.” That’s TSN speak for “who the fuck passes to Markus Naslund? Not even Vancouver does that any more.” I don’t know why you went tape-to-tape with him…inside your own blueline. There had to be a secret reason that only YOU know. Anyway, Naslund fed it to the Sedin sisters and they scored. My friends started to quietly boo and laugh at you. (Not me! You’re the best!) Everyone around was looking at us and giving the “sir, you’re making a scene” look. Then we were told we were sitting in the Colorado Avalanche’s family and friends section. Oopsy-daisy! We made a quick exit after the horn and went out with your teammate, Tyler Arnason, who’s girlfriend we’d met at the game. Arnason bought 11 rounds of expensive drinks for all six of us, roughly one drink for every word he would speak to us. (Must’ve been the booing.) Then the shoosting began. Anyway, I’m sorry. Forgive me.

Love,

All of us

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2 Responses

  1. But hockey can be a rough game. So eventually one of them will probably lose a tooth or get a puck in the face and the Sedins’identity won’t be quite so confusing.

    That is the best sentence in that whole article about the Sedins.

  2. wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute… he DOES suck!

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