Modano Breaks US-Born Scoring Record, Finds Out He’s Canadian

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Look at this. You are looking at perfection. You are looking at a filler of nets and vaginas. An American. Why should you look at this? Because last night, Mike Modano potted two goals on the Sharks’ Nabokov within the game’s first five minutes. (Are you looking? You’re not looking. Do it. He’s up there. Just under the big blue words.)

This record business had given Modano a monster case of the shpilkas, but it was over: He’d clinched the record for most points by an American-born NHLer with 1,232. ESPN had given this story their usual cursory wank they give all hockey coverage. But it wasn’t so easy. Modano thought he’d earned it last week against the Blackhawks with an assist. It was revoked after video analysis. But if the NHL establishment wasn’t run by rural Ontarian Philistines, they’d review Modano’s case further and find that his home town, Livonia, Michigan, is actually part of Canada. (It was held by British Canada through 1774.) Today, Livonia, that monument to civilization, is a short ride from Detroit and only 25 minutes from Canadian duty free shops.

So Housley’s existing record stands. If 37-year-old Modano wants a record, he’ll have to catch fellow Canadian, Wayne Gretzky. Only 1,625 points to go! You can do it! You’re Mike Modano!

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2 Responses

  1. he’s got great hair

  2. @dirtyike: Agreed. Lindros could really learn something here.

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