Friday Recap: Sabres Exit Basement, Canadiens Ooze Humiliation… and Other Tales of Sodomization.

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Everyone knows that when you’re trapped in a dungeon the only way out is to sodomize one of your captors. Or something like that. That’s what the last place Buffalo Sabres did by beating the high-flying Montreal Canadiens 4-1 last night, a team that was 10 points ahead of them in the Northeast Division. The Sabres remain in their division basement but have crawled away from a tie for last place in the NHL with the lowly Washington Capitals, who dug themselves deeper after getting greased by the Lightning 5-2 last night. Clarke MacArthur scored twice for the Sabres and Ryan Miller made 36 saves. Buffalo won for only the second time in its past seven games after coming into the game having scored only five goals in its past five games. Meanwhile, the Vancouver Canucks sodomized the every-pesky and always stingy Minnesota Wild 6-2 , including a crippling slash by Mattias Ohlund,  in almost as spectacular a fashion as Dallas carved the Avalanche a new colon. Oh, yeah, a bunch of U.S. Atlantic Division teams did shit and of course no one cares what happened between St. Louis and Columbus—although at the dinner party I was at last night someone asked “What the fuck is a Blue Jacket anyway?” Someone thought it was a bird, someone thought it was a soldier, but we just think it sucks.

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