CLOCKWISE FROM UPPER LEFT: legendary sucker Kevin Lowe, newly minted douchebag Dustin Penner, visionary hypocrite Brian Burke, stoned-on-greenbacks Ryan Getzlaf.
When the Anaheim Ducks announced they’d signed centre Ryan Getzlaf to a five-year contract extension, there was more to it than just handing the young buck a reputed 26.625 mill—and we don’t mean how it’s too bad it was in spiraling-into-the-toilet U.S. greenbacks or that it exceeded the tax roll of his hometown, Regina. Ducks GM Brian Burke said he felt pressured to sign Getzlaf before he became a restricted free agent. That was how Anaheim lost another young “stud,” Dustin Penner, last summer when he received a $21.25 million enema over five years from the Edmonton Oilers. Burke had blasted Oilers GM Kevin Lowe at the time for breaking the NHL’s unwritten code of making an offer to a restricted free agent and driving up salaries. So naturally, handing over a huge wad to Getzlaf had the message boards buzzing over Burke’s hypocrisy. But the boards were also singing Burke’s praises for inking “the real deal” Getzlaf, who deserved the money where Penner didn’t. Who was right? At the time of writing last Tuesday, underachieving Penner—who helped the Ducks into the playoffs last year with 29 goals—had 4 goals and 6 assists, on track for a 12-goal season, which equates to $354,167.00/goal. (I wanna play in the NHL for fuck sakes—score a goal and you’re rich, bitch! But I digress…), while Getzlaf—who made sure the Ducks won the 2007 cup with some timely offence—had wracked up double the points despite injury. The verdict? Tirades be damned, Burke is playing some smart hockey in the forward position, but loser Lowe on defence deserves an assist for helping Getzlaf strike it rich. Bitch.
Filed under: Uncategorized |