No Country For Old, Angry, Disinterested Men

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Gary Roberts, 41, has bones made of toilet paper. Ray Emery is mad he’s not the starting goalie. And Sergei Samsonov has just discovered that no one has ever mistook his Russian sang-froid for anything other than the soft pink truth: He actually couldn’t care less. 

Though we’d shitheaped Roberts props for fighting, it was his undoing. He tussled with Tim Connolly and they went down in a heap. Bye-bye fibula. Two days before, Emery showed up for a practice open to the public just minutes before it began. His coach blew up and Emery went wee-wee-wee, all the way home. And Samsonov is about to clear waivers and head to the minors…after zero goals in 23 games. He’s been on his penthouse balcony, sipping a vodka martini (just with makings of twist, speciba) and waiving his cigarette holder at anyone who will listen, legs crossed like a bitch, ruing that he’s destined for Metallurg Magnitgorsk in the mafia league. Nothing rejuvenates the career quite like playing like your life depends on it, especially when it does.

Like Bettman, NHL Annual Hockey Classic a Loser.

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“I hear they’re that somewhere down south they’re going to play an NHL hockey game on real outdoor artificial ice that costs millions to make and uses a bazillion kilowatts of coal-generated electricity just so people can watch that Crosby kid with the wind in his hair.”

“Are you fucking serious? Maybe they should play a game on Frobisher Bay and see what kind of a 5 km swim Global Warming will buy him in today’s Arctic.”

Benazir Bhutto Assassinated, John Ferguson Apparently Jealous: Suicide Watch Part 1,000,000

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4-3 loss to the Islanders, 4-1 down to Philie, a 6-1 sodmizing by the Rangers. When is the Raycroft meltdown going to end? Can this guy even play hockey anymore? Could he when Ferguson acquired him from Boston? Not really, he was up-and-down like a toilet seat all last season, all through the beginning of this season, and now he’s all they’ve got… See that bullet in John Ferguson’s head? That’s super-hot netminder Vesa Toskala’s recent wang strain. Or is it superstar defenseman Bryan McCabe suddenly having to have his hand rebuilt? Whatever the deal, the unforgiving Toronto sports media know whose head to serve up on a platter…

DUI Watch, day 3,921: Ryan Clowe

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“I’m HUNGry. Let’s get some Frrrench TOAST.”

Yesterday we said we’d back as soon as something stupid happened.

It did.
It’s here.
It’s stupid.

Merry Fucking Christmas

WayOffside is taking a break to eat and fight with our families. We’ll update this as soon as a player hits his wife, fucks his babysitter, pukes on his arresting officer, or does something innocuous that we can’t help attack them for.

But check back on January 2, after the outdoor game in Buffalo.

Video: Presenting Crosby’s first fight…now with 20% more visor!

From last night. It’s as grainy as Saskatchewan but you can see that Crosby, aided by his protective visor, gets a couple of rights in and makes the top of Andrew Ference’s head bleed. This was after he scored a goal and set up two Malkin goals in the first 12 minutes of the game. Must be the Scientology.

Luongo prefers pads with wings, Turco jealous

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Seems Roberto Luongo’s pads are a pube-hair bigger than they should be. So Marty Turco thought he’d bring it to our attention: He strapped on a cardboard pad extension with Luongo’s number on it. (Get it? Get it? What a HOOT!)

After falling down and changing our third pair of pants, we realized that this is about as funny as mullet joke: This is about a grown man acting like a jealous little bitch. This is about Marty Turco realizing that after Brodeur goes quietly into the night on a morphine drip and a loop of softcore pornography, Luongo will be known as Canada’s goalie. And Turco will wither and die in Dallas, Tuchas without so much as a mention on Hockey Night In Canada unless he sexually assaults Gary Bettman. (Note: Marc Crawford hasn’t ordered this.) Continue reading