In case you were decorating your tree with Napalm…

From S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y…night…the games, that is:

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Detroit scores seven goals, many of them in Florida’s net. Norris shoe-in Lidstrom potted a beauty, batting it out of the air to beat Osgood. (You’ll see Don Cherry come out of the closet before you see that again.) Florida hooked Datsyuk (penalty shot, no goal) and then threw a stick (douche move, penalty shot Filpula, goal). Florida had the chance to break some sort of team record for road victories or something. Not so much. Detroit 5, Florida 2

Lupul scores his second hat trick of the week…and the Flyers lose anyway. All three Hurricane players score in the shootout, one of them just barely. The final shooter, Rod Brind’amour, hit Biron’s glove, the puck does a triple lutz pike spinny thingy and just lands behind Biron. Couldn’t come at a better time for the suddenly shitty ‘Canes. Carolina 5, Philly 4

Carbonneau, tired of his team’s shit-crammed bed, spikes the bottles with Immodium. Koivu ges a lucky first one, scores a beauty second, and the Leafs (who look a lot better the last five games) pretty much collapsed after that. Bryan McCabe took that literally, of course, broke his wrist, and is now out for at least six weeks. Montreal 4, Toronto 1

Chris Simon, as he goes to the bench, stomps on Jarrko Ruutu’s foot with his skate, and gets a match penalty. What a fucking idiot. It’s the Islander liability’s winger’s seventh suspension of his career. This is the same guy who two handed Ryan Hollweg in the face (see 1:44 of this video) and got 25 games for it. Meanwhile, 41-year-old Gary Roberts got into his second fight of the week. Yesssss. Pittsburgh 3, Islanders 2

One-timer bowling alley: How many were used to score goals in the Ottawa-Atlanta game? Shitloads. Heatley and Kovalchuk each hammered in two, the latter’s coming from a fucking canon from the point. Kovalchuk is the best shooter in the league but it didn’t matter none. He’s a Thrasher. Ottawa 7, Atlanta 3

Tampa Bay loses again. At home. To the Capitals. And Ovechkin doesn’t get a single point. Oy. Washington 3, Tampa Bay 2

Edmonton are shootout masters. That’s about it, but it’s something. Fernando Pisani, the man who tore a hole into ulcerative colitis and rogered it into submission, potted the SO winner. Sanford broke his goalie stick over his knee immediately thereafter. Not very environmentally friendly, Curtisssss (frantically trying to type what I hope looks like a lisp). Vancouver’s lost a couple of close games lately. Luongo, provided his labial tear heals quickly, needs to come back. Edmonton 2, Vancouver 1

The Sharks looked like shit. Dallas 4, San Jose 2

Two of the fastest teams in the league go tete-a-tete. (The puck changed hands so fast that legendary Buffalo announcer Rick Jeanneret would have sweat through pants constructed of phonebooks.) Pat Kane goes back to his hometown, Buffalo, and scores a goal. Other than that, Ryan Miller was stellar. Buffalo 3, Chicago 1

Alex Auld stopped Rick Nash on a breakaway and stopped 31 other shots for second shutout since becoming a Bruin ten minutes ago. And despite lacking any offense to speak of, Claude Julien retreats to defense-minded play (zzz…) but is starting to look like a genius behind the bench. Boston 2, Columbus 0

Hip check of the year: Phoenix’s Keith Ballard drops the hip just below Rod Pelley’s waist, Pelley does a front flip and almost lands on his feet. And Phoenix took the mighty pants of New Jersey, and yanked them down in front of their own fans. Brodeur was hung out to dry. Phoenix 4, NJ 1

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