Seems Roberto Luongo’s pads are a pube-hair bigger than they should be. So Marty Turco thought he’d bring it to our attention: He strapped on a cardboard pad extension with Luongo’s number on it. (Get it? Get it? What a HOOT!)
After falling down and changing our third pair of pants, we realized that this is about as funny as mullet joke: This is about a grown man acting like a jealous little bitch. This is about Marty Turco realizing that after Brodeur goes quietly into the night on a morphine drip and a loop of softcore pornography, Luongo will be known as Canada’s goalie. And Turco will wither and die in Dallas, Tuchas without so much as a mention on Hockey Night In Canada unless he sexually assaults Gary Bettman. (Note: Marc Crawford hasn’t ordered this.)
So why the lip-quivering jealousy? And why is it Turco’s responsibility to bring Luongo’s Always With Wings situation to our attention? This is the guy who put up three shutouts in a single playoff series last year….ultimately losing to Luongo’s squad. That’s it? One round of playoffs lost and now you’re telling Mom? Somebody needs to turn that frown upside-down.
Or maybe it has something to do with today’s huge, and I mean utterly bowel-shaking, mASSive news: Goalie’s World magazine named Luongo their “Goalie of the year.” This raised numerous questions, such as Really? and, Who gives a shit? Apparently, we’re supposed to trust the magazine that bestowed the same honor on Dwayne Roloson in 2006. And we’re supposed to know that this matters.
But nobody cares about Goalie’s World. Nobody but somebody who’s name rhymes with Marty Turco.