Crosby Hurt, Everyone’s Plans Ruined—Except Pittsburgh’s.

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Possibly stoned like the rest of his team on Saturday night, the Canadiens’ Andrei Kostitsyn is stoned by Penguins goaltender Dany Sabourin during second period action in Montreal.

Oh the humanity! The NHL’s annointed Lord and Saviour, Jesus “Sidney” Crosby, has been declared out at least 4-6 weeks with an “upper ankle sprain” (what the fuck is that—a leg sprain?… as opposed to a “lower ankle sprain” which would be a foot sprain…) which means no All-star game, no visiting dignitaries, no addresses to the UN General Assembly, no sermon on the mount and probably no more dinner parties. His successor, Evgeni the Baptist “Malkin” is now being counted upon to be the Penguins’ top scorer. He has posted two three-goal games this month and is second in team scoring to JC Superstar. Malkin is also doing well at learning English—though it’s not quite as good as Crosby’s French—and has a lock on the word ‘try.’ “I have been trying as hard as I can, but I’m going to try my best,” Malkin said, speaking through an interpreter. “Right now, I am going to try to do maybe a little bit more… I will try to be the leader of this team.” And what says leader better than an empty net goal? Like Evgeni the Baptist’s backhander with 12.4 seconds remaining in Pittsburgh’s 2-0 win over Les Glorieux Habs (mais, nous sommes le tired…). Goalie/acolyte Dany Sabourin stood on his head for JC with 31 saves and a shutout while unlikely apostle Jeff Taffe won the game with his second goal of the year scored on a pass from noted centurion Georges Laraque—who was doing a self-proclaimed St. Gretzky behind the net.

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