Sens Fire Coaches: Let the Desperation Begin

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AN OTTAWA SENATORS FAN DOES WHAT SENS FANS (AND PLAYERS, AND COACHES, AND OWNERS—EVEN THEIR FUCKING ZAMBONI DRIVERS) DO BEST.

There are certain ineffable signs of impending spring in Canada: frozen dog turds exposed after months under wrap; excited budget chatter in the House of Commons (same thing, really); tulips and rainbows in Vancouver (oh wait, I forgot Gay Pride is all year long…). And the most telling sign of all—Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson riding the bike in the dressing room amidst a scrum of reporters peppering him about why/how the high-and-mighty Senators managed to once again blow their sure-thing bid for Lord Stanley’s shiny mug. Alfredsson never has anything interesting to say, nor any logical explanation for choking on it. And this year is likely to be no different. But this time, it seems, there’s an even earlier portent of Senators late-season ineptitude and heartless play: after a 12-game stretch in which they lost twice to arch-rivals, the sad-sack Maple Leafs, and won only four contests, the solution they came up with to end the doldrums was to fire their top two coaches, John Paddock and Kevin Low right after the trade deadline. Or was that right after they lost 4-0 to Boston after losing 5-0 to Toronto? Whatever. Firing two coaches is rad. It sends all the right signals. And makes all sorts of sense—especially if your General Manager is the guy who coached the team to its last Stanley Cup final appearance. “Step aside douchebags, I’m taking the fuck over,” says Bryan Murray, now re-installed behind the bench. The Sens may indeed rally to turn it around, but their fate is still clear: They will be Losers. Again. And Alfreddson’s annual bike ride will seem, well, more pointless than ever.

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Noble Viking Sundin refuses to waive no-trade clause.

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Nashville’s Legwand makes NHL all-star DUI team

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Hi ya’ll. I’m Brad Paisley, and I’m gonna sing you a song about a hero of mine—big-time hockey-playin’ man David Legwand.

He was traveling fast on Eighth Avenue South
When a cop pulled him over, looked him in the mouth
Said, boy you doing 50 in a 35 mile zone.

“Well that may be, occifer my friend
‘cause math ain’t my strong point in the end
though $27 mill for six-years adds up fine.”

“An’ it would do you good to try an’ remember
that’s the deal I struck and signed last December
‘cause I’m a big-time hockey playin’ man.”

Well his eyes was bloodshot, his pupils dilated
An’ he reeked of booze when he also stated
he was at my concert where he only had one beer.

“But I ain’t taking no breath test copper
‘cause for my career it could be a stopper
so I reckon I’ll just let you take my car.”

but two glasses of wine, two larges glasses of beer
he quickly recalculated, have no fear
‘cause math never was his strong point in the end

now the Predators’ center is the center of attention
for the NHL’s latest crime prevention
a poster boy for the rich and famous and pissed.

And when his March court date becomes more than talk
It’s sure that Bettman will make him walk
The gangplank of a 15-game suspension.

That’s 15 games he won’t be there
An’ 15 games that we won’t care
Cause now he’s just a big-time hockey playin’ drunk.

Lidstrom Goes Down On Laperriere

Yesterday the league’s highest-scoring D-man went down on Ian Laperriere…after he was wallpapered. But it’s not like the Wings will even notice his absence, given their retarded arsenal of Swedish and Russian weaponry. But they are still without the guy with the big C.

If Lidstrom is to miss three weeks it’s not the biggest deal: he’ll be back for playoffs. But it kind of makes you wonder if the age-old xenophobia of “Will a Euro captain finally win the Cup?” will ever go away. Non-retards are fairly convinced that it’s unlikely until one of them actually wins the fucker.

Even Darcy Tucker thinks Darcy Tucker sucks

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Finally, the confirmation we’ve been waiting for. The mea culpa was found in today’s Globe and Mail:

“It’s been a real tough year,” Tucker said. “I can’t think back to when in a longer period of time I have struggled to produce.”

He goes on but I wouldn’t bother. (It’s the Globe, after all.) All you need to know is that he’s averaging around 15 pathetic minutes a night, not sleeping so well in his Star Wars sheets, and potted 12 goals all season. He also has a no-trade clause and is 25 percent of the way through a four-year, $12 million deal. (Good luck, Cliff. )

The only way Tucker could suck any more is if he turns his season around (unlikely) and keeps his team out of the basement. This would fuck them out of the number one draft spot, who will surely be Steve Stamkos. (Click that link and commence soiling yourself.)

So we’ll see. Tucker’s role is to be a pain in the ass. The best thing he could do for his team would be sustain a injury and stop playing. Or just fake one.

Rob Blake Hearts Los Angeles

blake_rob2.jpgDespite rumors, Rob Blake wants to stay in LA

Waive it. Waive your goddamn trade clause. Don’t be a pussy. Do everyone a favor, yourself included, and get the fuck out of there. We know, LA needs a puck moving defenceman, a “veteran” presence, and “grit…” or whatever cliche du jour the newspapers vomit forth. Not quite. LA doesn’t need a puck-moving defenceman: They need, oh, about six of them. LA’s blueline has made more mistakes in their own end than an aspiring actress on a casting couch. Look at the numbers. Two hundred and one goals against. Most in the league. And it’s not like LaBarbara is entirely terrible between the pipes. (He’s only partially terrible whereas Dan Cloutier is egregiously shitty.) Seriously, LA doesn’t need a puck-moving defenceman as much as they need a cap-moving defenceman. Blake’s $6 million salary would free up some sorely needed space to sign some better shut-down blueliners. Shit, why not ditch Blake and his -13 rating along with his 38-year-old body and get after Brian Campbell sweepstakes? Campbell is ten years younger, an all-star PP set-up man, and just mean enough in the open ice hitting department. Come on, Rob. Buffalo’s beautiful this time of year.

Ferguson’s DNA: Discuss.

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Yuh-huh. And as the Leafs slipped to dead last in the Eastern Conference last night, once he no longer had the position to do anything about it, he told TSN that the Leafs should be “sellers.” As in, get rid of Tucker, Sundin,  and McCabe. The ones he chose to extend. The ones he chose to offer no-trade clauses toward.

Meanwhile, scientists are busy conducting DNA tests on Ferguson and whether or not he’s the only non-retarded member of our species that lacks neurons for irony, inside-voice control, and timing.