Go easy on the two pussies who are my children: Doctor

Apparently, this is a problem. According to Dr. Jim King, an Ottawa-based pediatrician, bodychecking is detrimental to children. He’s the father of two sons who play hockey and the co-author of a study on minor hockey bodychecking.

According to his elaborate study, 3 out of 4 physicians insist on stating the obvious. Also, that bodychecking leads to injuries. No word yet on the exhaustive studies set to determine whether or not dangling your scrotum over the stove causes burns.

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Instructions: 1) Push Play. 2) Examine pants for traces of shit

Absolutely sick. Martin Havlat may skate-kick others like a bitch and appear as fragile as a French supermodel with osteoperosis, but fuck, can the guy get it done.

And even though it was the start of a rout of the Coyotes, the Hawks fired Savard today, opting to replace him with coach Q. Joel Quenville, unceremoniously dumped by the Avs last year and replaced with Granato, needed a job. As for the ‘Hawks, their decision makes total sence. Khabibulin is playing well, Toews is captain, Kane is coming off the Calder, Pat Sharp is poised to remove his head out of his ass, Campbell scored his first of the season, and the team just won decisely. Makes sense to us.

Welcome Back, Hitler

I remember a few years back there was some story about Bertuzzi doing something to some guy named Moore. You probably missed it. (The guy was slightly hurt and nobody noticed. Everything’s fine.) Anyway, according to a fucking idiot on my hockey team, a guy who allegedly “knows people in Colorado,” Moore is milking his injury for the never-ending civil trial that will see no resolution for anyone except for hockey journos making a fat word rate.

Which brings us to the Toddler. So he isn’t the fat, evil baby we thought he was. Still a prick, mind you, but he cried during the press conference. Which makes everything OK. Each tear was a truth and reconciliation commission stuffed inside a Care Bear doll. But not for Calgarians. Not at the time. But damned if the Toddlder isn’t winning them over now. Three goals in two games. An upper lip laden with chew for every single interview. Actually enjoying himself on the ice.

Furthermore, he could be the antidote for soft play from the likes of Huselius, a guy that Keenan had the pleasure of trading twice. Kind of like a Larry King wife. As for the Toddler, him putting the puck in the net almost makes you forget his…what the fuck were we talking about? Go TODD! We LOVE YOU!!!

Dear Edmonton:

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Love,

Calgary

Ex-NHLer Busted for International Drug Smuggling

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Uh-huh. Former Predator blueliner Jere Kalahti has been busted for smuggling coke and ecs into Finland.

This raises serious questions like How the fuck does this happen to a hockey player surrounded by agents? And, how can a guy accept two years of minimum wage in the NHL (for a total of around $1 million), and fail to invest it anywhere other than his sinuses?

In addition to wife-hittin’, drunk drivin’, coke snortin’, and Graham James fuckin’, we can finally add international drug financin’. Sweet. That ought to grow the sport.

Thornton vs. Cote: “It’s Just Rock ’em sock ’em Robots…”

Wait for the hail pulling. (Seriously.) Or wait for 1:12, when the close-up reverse angle shows 12 punches exchanged in six seconds. Or when the announcer says, “as a hockey fan, Jack, you just sit back and enjoy that.”

You won’t hear that in Canada because the PTA will have your nads removed by committee. That was Andy Brickley on Jack Edwards’ call of the year, “it’s just rock ’em sock ’em robots out there.”

Well, it’s probably not fair to other announcers because their calls come gift wrapped with Masshole accents.  But it’s also because Edwards and Brickley are the best American hockey broadcasters this side of Jeanneret.

Campbell let’s Pronger off the hook. Way to go, racist.


Cleaning snow off your skate was never easier. Thanks, Ryan.

Colin Campbell elected to grant Chris Pronger a free pass today: The big guy gets out of what would surely been a fucking prison sentence for stomping on the Canucks’ Ryan Kesler last night. Kesler told TSN that Pronger chopped him on the calf. This is close to home for Vancouver. Defenceman Kevin Bieksa recently returned from 1994 Rwanda when he suffered a huge hack out of his leg.

Anyway, several things are afoot (ha! OMG!) with this:

1. Pronger has a messed-up face at the moment. He’s been wearing that retarded face guard thing. It’s like a dog with the veterinary lampshade on its head. Even if the dog bites children in the face and needs a swift kick in the vagina, the lampshade makes it suddenly cute and cuddly and how can you push his nose in his own shit if there’s a goddamn lampshade on his head?

2. Colin Campbell suspended Chris Simon, a North American native/first nations/aboriginal, for precisely the same crime. Way to go, racist.

3. Unlike Simon, Chris Pronger is actually good.