Ferguson Fired, Applies at Dairy Queen

Fired from his GM job with the Toronto Maple Leafs today, John Ferguson Jr. has been scouting the soft serve machine at DQ. He’s definitely accrued the relevant soft cone experience: for the past two years he’s stacked long, soft, circular pooings in his own bed, the beds of his players, the beds of the city. This is the guy who spent a fortune on a guy who would become a back-up goalie, and nearly 20 percent of the cap on several mediocre defencemen. But it didn’t matter. In the eyes of Toronto’s retarded rabid fan base, Steen was as good as Getzlaf, Wellwood as good as Malkin, McCabe as good as Phaneuf. Leaf management summarily drank their own Kool-Aid and chased it with their own bed-sheisse by the clump.

The Toronto media, however, woke up. This being Toronto, it was 40 years in the making. Suddenly they were calling for his head. Like us. And now that Ferguson’s done, there’s a tsunami of change a-comin’. Top-to-bottom. The ownership over the richest team in hockey may change over Ferguson’s pink slip. And certainly, with Cliff Fletcher aboard, the team will too. So….WayOffside’s crystal ball has some roster predictions.