Who the Fuck is John Mitchell?

Midway through the third period, it seemed the New York Rangers were on their way to another shutout victory against the Toronto Maple Leafs. But then John Mitchell, the guy who spent years in the flaming hell of the minors, was beamed down from heaven. The rookie scored his first two NHL goals during a five-goal outburst in less than six minutes as Toronto won a wild 5-2 affair at the Air Canada Centre. Things didn’t look good with the Leafs down 2-0 when Mitchell was whistled for holding with 9:50 remaining in regulation. But the Leafs killed the penalty and Mitchell started the party when he beat Steve Valiquette at 12:36—just 26 seconds after his penalty expired. After Jason Blake tied the game at 14:02, Pavel Kubina put Toronto ahead 52 seconds later. With 3:54 left Mitchell threw another puck at the net for a two-goal Toronto lead. Dominic Moore finished the onslaught at 17:57, as the Rangers left the rink completely shell-shocked. “The trolley came off the tracks with silly passes in the offensive zone that allowed a good transition team to get excited,” Rangers coach Tom Renney said. “We deserved what we got. We’ve got to deal with this in a mature way, take responsibility and move on. We’ll be praying that Mitchell gets hit by a bus and rots in hell.”

Go easy on the two pussies who are my children: Doctor

Apparently, this is a problem. According to Dr. Jim King, an Ottawa-based pediatrician, bodychecking is detrimental to children. He’s the father of two sons who play hockey and the co-author of a study on minor hockey bodychecking.

According to his elaborate study, 3 out of 4 physicians insist on stating the obvious. Also, that bodychecking leads to injuries. No word yet on the exhaustive studies set to determine whether or not dangling your scrotum over the stove causes burns.

Who sucks more than her?

The Oilers. Yesterday at an Edmonton-area autograph signing, Sam Gagner and Andrew Cogliano, who earn a combined $1.6 million, were charging $25 for their stupid fucking signatures. When pressed about it, a spokesman for the organizer said it was for the players “expenses.”

What are these expenses, tampons? When pressed about this by CTV, Cogliano looked at the camera and said “Yes, I have enormous tampon usage. There is nothing I spend more money on than tampons. I use probably half as many as Sean Avery. So that’s a lot.”

I AM SIDNEY CROSBY… AND YOU’RE NOT

Still king of the hockey world until Ovechkin’s next big night, Sidney Crosby added another milestone in Toronto on Saturday: his 100th career NHL goal and 200th assist to surpass 300 points while leading the Pittsburgh Penguins to a familiar 4-1 scenario over the Toronto Maple Leafs. Playing on a line with “prospect” Evgeni Malkin, 21-year-old Crosby had a goal and three assists to give him 302 points in 219 career games. “Milestones are commonplace for me,” Crosby said, “and a great way to show others how good you are and how much they suck.” Although Crosby had no goals and only four assists through five games coming into the contest, he was sure his luck would change. “I’ve come to expect four-point nights—especially in Toronto—but I definitely wanted to score,” he said. “I was doing some amazing things, as usual, and finally the puck went in.” Malkin assisted on all four Penguins goals but that’s not important to the Crosby show. “I am the best player in the league,” said Crosby. “So the rest of the guys just have to get over it.” Crosby’s first of the season came 12:15 into the third period. He skated in with the puck and eluded a diving Curtis Joseph, who was trying to poke it away. “I was just throwing it out front,” Crosby said. “Throw it at the net, and good things happen. I taught Don Cherry that.” The Penguins’ first goal came when Dupuis took a rebound off Crosby’s shot and sent it between Joseph’s legs for his second goal in three games. That was Crosby’s 200th assist, but his 300th point really showed off his playmaking. During a Pens power play in the second period, Crosby sent a pass between the legs of rookie defenseman Luke Schenn onto the tape of Satan’s stick. Wide open to the left of Joseph, Satan redirected the puck in for his third goal. Crosby’s next assist on a goal by Sykora came in similar fashion and closed the scoring with 6:24 to play. “I was on tonight and kind of sunk the Leafs,” Crosby said. “I’ve got great speed, and obviously my slap-passes are pretty accurate. I’m always in a good spot. Usually the best players keep you guessing, and I certainly do that.”

Fantasy 4, Reality 0

True fantasy #1: Winging the wong numbers. It started with a season-opener bed shitting to the Leafs. And last night, when the Red Wings immortalized Alex Delvecchio with a bronze statue and called him up to the broadcast booth to distract them from the usual partisan tripe, the lowly Canucks knocked them off in OT. Not bad.

True fantasy #2: Blues 6, Dallas 1. Turco pulled after just a few goals. Brett Hull, you’re a champ!

True fantasy #3: Malkin loses his shit. The usual Caps-Pens media showdown was actually justified for a change. El Penguinos went up 3-0, then Ovechkin started taking runs at Malkin. And Malkin, as we all know, looks like he has Downs, appears on the edge of tears at all times, speaks English like an autistic two-year-old, and is known for being the ultimate quiet type. Which made it all the better that you could hear him yelling in Russian at Ovechkin after he took a run at him. And you could hear it in the broadcast booth, and on TV. To learn how to say anything horrible about Ovechkin’s mother, find it on Youtube. I couldn’t be fucked to find if for you today.

True fantasy #4: Stevie Y is more important than Gretzky. The great Reddened Wang will helm Canada’s hopes for Olympic hockey gold in Vancouver.

Instructions: 1) Push Play. 2) Examine pants for traces of shit

Absolutely sick. Martin Havlat may skate-kick others like a bitch and appear as fragile as a French supermodel with osteoperosis, but fuck, can the guy get it done.

And even though it was the start of a rout of the Coyotes, the Hawks fired Savard today, opting to replace him with coach Q. Joel Quenville, unceremoniously dumped by the Avs last year and replaced with Granato, needed a job. As for the ‘Hawks, their decision makes total sence. Khabibulin is playing well, Toews is captain, Kane is coming off the Calder, Pat Sharp is poised to remove his head out of his ass, Campbell scored his first of the season, and the team just won decisely. Makes sense to us.

Welcome Back, Hitler

I remember a few years back there was some story about Bertuzzi doing something to some guy named Moore. You probably missed it. (The guy was slightly hurt and nobody noticed. Everything’s fine.) Anyway, according to a fucking idiot on my hockey team, a guy who allegedly “knows people in Colorado,” Moore is milking his injury for the never-ending civil trial that will see no resolution for anyone except for hockey journos making a fat word rate.

Which brings us to the Toddler. So he isn’t the fat, evil baby we thought he was. Still a prick, mind you, but he cried during the press conference. Which makes everything OK. Each tear was a truth and reconciliation commission stuffed inside a Care Bear doll. But not for Calgarians. Not at the time. But damned if the Toddlder isn’t winning them over now. Three goals in two games. An upper lip laden with chew for every single interview. Actually enjoying himself on the ice.

Furthermore, he could be the antidote for soft play from the likes of Huselius, a guy that Keenan had the pleasure of trading twice. Kind of like a Larry King wife. As for the Toddler, him putting the puck in the net almost makes you forget his…what the fuck were we talking about? Go TODD! We LOVE YOU!!!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.